Pursuit of S.H.E.

You, You promised

I was sold

Thought that you, broke the mold

I envisioned, our life to be

Thought that you, had set me free

Time went by

Five full years

Mostly loved, but drowned in tears

Thought you, broke my spirit

It took time to clear it

Took a stretch

Stopped swiping left

My breakthrough

Appeared to stem from you

Enforced by me

This momentum set me free

There’s no space, for you

Or my past, with you

I made space for Him

A new begin!

What really set me free…

Was creating a space for ME

 

 

I Lied.

I told the darkest, most hurtful lie.

I lied to myself.

I lied everyday at work, with friends during social events, and often on social media.

I lied to myself.

I lied during every selfie, every look in the mirror, every smile and laugh and story-tell.

I lied.

I thought if you sugarcoated the reality, it would be an easier pill to swallow.

All I did was choke myself on false hopes and uneasy will.

I lied to him, when I let my expectations hide.

I lied to myself when I didn’t expect what I deserved.

My truth- I already knew what I didn’t know…

I was so happy.  I felt like I was on top of the world.  Finally, I found someone who was my match.  I was perfectly whole, filled up with fantastical lies I told myself.

Everything was imperfectly perfect and I thought that was exactly how it should be.

“I’m not playing house, I am preparing for our marriage”

“He may not be the best of boyfriends, but he will be a better husband and father to our children”

It was as if I thought that I could borrow Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother to circle her wand to create my dreams.

Funny, the most magic experienced was when we were not in the home.

If what they say is true about home being where the heart is, maybe that’s why I never felt at home…

It isn’t a popularity contest.

Although, I’ve never found it hard to make or keep friends- my circle has severely decreased.

The effort you give in any friendship should be matched.  They shouldn’t be handled like a job that you choose to show up for or can call out sick from.

In my experience, the amount of effort you put in separates you from an associate and a friend.  You have to separate those who use you out of convenience and those who devoted.

A few years back, I was in a tumultuous friendship that at its source, was embedded in unconditional love.  Then I realized I had become a friend of convenience.

Though that relationship is long gone, I am whole in forgiveness.  I am gracious for the good times and what I’ve learned in the difficult times.

Maturity and not always length of time, will show you who your true friends are.  This friendship “job” requests “other duties as assigned,”

 

Remember that time when you were 7 and Disney movies were the epitome of what love was like?

Or becoming obsessed with 80’s movies like Sixteen Candles and Dirty Dancing and thinking that this is what teenage love is?

I must admit I was extremely and naively disappointed in 2000 when I find out that Clueless was not what my high school experience would be like.

In retrospect, my romanticized fantasies of what my life would be like as a teen were far more disappointing than my college years.

In my 20’s I graduated to a Sex and The City viewpoint of life and relationships.  Though nothing can compare to the reality of your own life.

As I reminisce my past today, I come to the conclusion that while I may still relate to eternally optimistic ideals of a hopeless romantic, I have never truly been… hopeless.

 

A powerful, open and loving woman in her early 30’s exploring life through the lens of self-discovery.

Educated but always hungry for more knowledge in the search of Serenity, Happiness, and Emergence.

These are her opinions but from the most optimistic parallel view of her exploration. 

Her ups, her downs and appreciation in the discovery of S.H.E….